disappointment

im disappointed again. this time its a different thing. not myself, not my friends, not anybody. its something. and its more than once LAH!

so so disappointed. why did i join in the first place? why didnt i quit? why did i naively think that i will enjoy myself here? why did my passion for this thing diminish until it left none now? i feel hateful. i dont want to be like this. but thats the cruel reality right? thats life HOR?

today i went during lunch. and i really just sat there until about 3-4 plus. urgh cant rmb the exact time but it doesnt matter. the thing that matters is that ive waited so bloody damn long doing NOTHING. IM SO ANGRY I SHALL CONTINUE IN CAPS.

DO NOTHING. I WANT TO DO BAZAAR BUT CANT. WHY DID I WASTE MY PRECIOUS LIFE PRECIOUS YOUTH HERE. MIND U, THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME OK? ALWAYS TUO TUO TUO, UNTIL SO LATE THEN START. I STILL GOT OTHER COMMITMENTS OK? THIS IS NOT MY ALL GET IT? FROM THE TOP OF THE WORLD AND NOW IN A DEBRIS, I DONT BELIEVE MY PASSION FOR THIS THING CAN CHANGE SO DRASTICALLY. IVE HURT SO MANY TIMES I THINK IM JUST TOO SENSITIVE. CANT STAND IT ANYMORE, REALLY CANT STAND IT LE. SUDDENLY SAY TML WANT FULL RUN. U TAKE ME AS CLOWN ARH? OR DOG HUH? IM A HUMAN OK? IM ALIVE I GOT THINKING I GOT FEELINGS ONE OK? NOT YOUR DOLL OR SOMETHING. REALLY REALLY CANT TAKE IT ALREADY. IM NOT GOING TO RISK GOING INTO IMH FOR THIS THING. SO NOT WORTH IT. LAST TIME: I CONTRIBUTE AND DO MY BEST. I MEMORISE EVERY SINGLE LINE OF MY DAMN SCRIPT AND I THINK OF HOW TO DEVELOP THE CHARACTER EVERY SINGLE TIME. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I REALLY LOVED THIS THING AT THAT TIME AND I DONT MIND GIVING UP SOME OTHER THINGS FOR IT. I THOUGHT THIS IS AT LEAST WHAT I SHOULD DO. I DO ALL THE RELATED STUFFS DILIGENTLY AT HOME, AND NO ONE KNOWS. MY WHOLE MIND IS ABOUT THIS THING AND ITS MY FIRST PRIORITY, ALTHOUGH I DONT GO AROUND TELLING PEOPLE. NOBODY KNOWS. I SCHEDULE EVERYTHING NICELY SO THAT OTHER EVENTS WONT CRASH WITH PAILIAN. OR I'LL EVEN FORSAKE THAT EVENT FOR PAILIAN. AND I COME AND YOU FOOL AROUND AND WASTE MY TIME? I PUT IN SO MUCH EFFORT, NOBODY KNOWS SO NOBODY CARES. I SERIOUSLY CANT KEEP QUIET ANYMORE. I THOUGHT I'LL REAP WHAT I SOW HERE, BUT APPARENTLY I GOT FAR LESS THAN I SHOULD HAVE. SO I FEEL IT POINTLESS TO PUT IN MY ALL, COS YOU DONT APPRECIATE IT AND YOU DONT KNOW HOW TO. GOT TO DO WITH MY PERSONALITY I KNOW I KNOW. CRAP. IM TRYING SO BLOODY HARD TO CHANGE, AND YOU TOOK IT AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED. YOU TREAT ME LIKE A FOOL. YOU THINK I DONT KNOW. HEY IM NOT DUMB HOR! I GOT EYES TO SEE AND EARS TO HEAR. LEFT ME WITH SUCH A SCAR I'LL NEVER FORGET. BAD MEMORIES TOOK OVER THE GOOD ONES. CHANGED MY YEARS FROM SWEET DREAMS INTO NIGHTMARE AND NOW IVE A BAD IMPRESSION OF THIS THING. ANOTHER POINT IS IM ALREADY SEC4. NO LONGER SEC1. DIFFERENT ALREADY. PEOPLE CHANGE. DONT BE TRAPPED IN YOUR OLD AND STUPID IDEAS. THEY WORK NO LONGER.

I THINK I STILL GOT SO MUCH MORE TO SAY, BUT THE ABOVE IS A LOT ALREADY. I FEEL SO SO SO SO MUCH BETTER. IM NOT GOING TO KEEP EVERYTHING INSIDE. IM GONNA LET YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL. IM NOT GOING TO CONTINUE THIS THING AFTER SEC4, I'LL TRY.

GOODBYE DRAMA. I MEAN CHINESE DRAMA.

PS IM NOT EMOING OK?