this is when i come in and blog.

these few days, ive been thinking. how do i define my journey in tj? it seems very vague now, and very far away. i dont mean time, but rather the distance i feel between me and say, friends? not just friends. i feel like im taking new subjects instead of the all so familiar ones that i used to enjoy. where's the x factor? something is missing. or maybe its somethings are. i dont feel so happy anymore. its part of transition, and people of my genre will usually take a longer time than others to adjust. too long to our advantage. as i sit here, i suddenly began to question myself, why am i wearing green uniform now? why can't i socialise like others? why can i only put my feelings into words instead of speech? why do i always meet undesirable issues? and worst of all, why am i so damned fickle? will these factors cause me to hate myself, then will i fall into despair, will i look down on myself, will i keep everything to myself, will i question everybody's intention, will i create an invisible barrier between myself and others, will i continue to be like this?

i seriously don't know what's wrong with me. am i putting up a pretence? will i wake up and find out that everything's just my imagination? will i continue to bombard myself with these kind of questions?

do i need a psychiatrist or some counsellor? yet i have got nothing really serious. or maybe im just bugging myself with these unneccessary questions.

i was worried that i will have no close friends, and i still am. even walking out, going home, that road had become a terrible long stretch of never-ending road. although u'll still reach the gate, the feeling is never the same. i used to think walking out from chung cheng is time-consuming and lonely, but not now. and never will i ever think that way again. but here, it's a new beginning. and im not even halfway through the 2 year journey, but the road is like eternity. will it be like the blink of an eye, when i din't even realise that 2 years had passed, or will it be like chung cheng, etched deep in minds and hearts?

im trying hard to walk the 2nd path.